Rihanna Stars in FILTHY Sex Tape

Published: August 26, 2020

Having found disproportionate fame for singing a stultifyingly repetitive nursery-rhyme of a song about a devise for shielding people’s heads from the rain, the Barbadian fame seeker Rihanna is fiercely denying the accusations that she has made a dirrrty sex tape with rapper J.Cole, and even took to reputable social networking tool Twitter in order to quash the absurd claim that she would whore her skin for the purposes of publicity.

According to rancid adult titty rag Hustler, they are in possession of a copy of the dirty sex tape but have not yet decided what they are going to do with it.It’s all very humdrum and smacks a little of a tried-and-tested method of getting more, more, more attention in the media. Perhaps, she and her scumbag turd-polishing PR whores are worried that Lady Gaga is getting more attention with her publicity stunts to get more attention than Amy Winehouse who did the ultimate publicity stunt by dying. Lady Gaga must have been spitting razor blades with envy and thinking ‘why didn’t I think of that?’ Maybe she’ll wear a coffin for her next ‘outrageous’ clothes related spectacle.

Really, if we want to see a sex tape of a female pop artist, generally all we have to do is log on to YouTube and watch one of their music videos, which invariably consist of them rolling around half clad in lurid lingerie, staring gape mouthed at the camera through smouldering ‘fuck me’ eyes, pouting like a blow-up sex doll that just read a surprising headline in a newspaper, and generally behaving like a desperate Thai whore on ecstasy with a family of four to feed and no other means to raise money.

There are hundreds of provocative pictures of Rihanna already on the internet looking like the victim of people-trafficking and enforced prostitution, barely dressed and smouldering like the cover of a slightly upmarket porn rag – and the same goes for most female pop and r&b celebrities. It’s more about sex and arrogance than it is about music. I’m sure Mozart never got his tits out to help publicise his 7th Symphony but if he had, I’m sure we’d all respect him more and want to fuck him.

Of course there might not be a sex tape of Rihanna doing a fuck with a rapper at all – which is very disappointing for anyone who always wanted to masturbate over steamy images of a relatively untalented media whore doing one with someone they’ve probably never heard of - it might be a desperate effort from Hustler whose remaining readership must consist of those men too thick  to be able to operate the internet, (possibly because their fingers are webbed), to get some media focus for their tiresome wank mag. And by god it’s working. But if they really had the tape, surely they would have published it by now. It would be out of character for a magazine borne of the desire to publish pictures of naked twats to suddenly develop a conscience.

23-year-old Rihanna has been vacationing with a posse of girlies in the Mediterranean on a yacht said to cost £200,000k a week to rent. When I was a child, people who sang nursery rhymes generally wore stupid clothes, had tight curly hair and danced like clowns, so nothings changed much there, but it seems these days you can rake in a fair old bit of loot and prestige for performing songs that are so catchy that they are popular at kindergarten level.

The Umbrella singer’s yacht includes accommodation for up to 12 people, two dressing rooms, along with massage and beauty salons and five different leisure decks for sunbathing and dining, and just enough room to accommodate her swollen ego. Because she’s worth it.

I once saw Rihanna shopping in H&M on Broadway on a Saturday afternoon wearing the biggest pair of platform boots I’d ever seen (she looked like Prince standing on top of two wardrobes) and wearing neon make up. She was followed by a body guard and after pushing everyone out the way so she could get to the front of the queue and being told how pretty she was by a sycophant she went on her way, milking every second of her glory as she got as much attention as she could. It was the most ridiculous and hilarious display of arrogance and attention seeking I’ve ever witnessed. Her desperate need for attention may have backfired a bit for her now. I don’t particularly want to watch a video of Rhianna’s engorged vagina gyrating. I already saw that once in New York. And believe me, it was definitely not pretty. Even the prettiest face turns hideous once it’s attached to a humungous ego.

You sang a song about an umbrella, ella, ella. If a million low-iq plebs tell you you are great, doesn’t necessarily mean you are. We could all do with remembering that who we are is not necessarily the same as who we think we are.

If you would like to comment on this article or defend Rihanna, feel free, we never read the comments anyway. If you wish to share or ‘like’ it, feel free to do so by using the social media icons below. Thanks for reading, eading, eading, eading, eading, oh oh oh.

Images: holytaco.com, officialpsds.com, pigeonsandplanes.com, macwallpapers.eu, eastindeasex.net

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Published August 26, 2020 by Mike in Celebrities
Tags: hustler, j cole, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, sex tape, umbrella